Most conflicts arise not from ill will but from unspoken needs and misunderstandings. Good communication can be learned, sentence by sentence.
Listening is half the battle
In conflict we often only listen to reply. Real listening means first wanting to understand the other, without immediately judging or fixing. Even an honest “Did I get you right that …?” relaxes many conversations.
Speaking about yourself instead of judging the other
The difference between “You never listen to me!” and “I feel passed over when I can’t finish” is huge. The first attacks, the second opens. Such I-messages name your feeling and your need instead of blaming the other.
At a glance
- First understand, then be understood: listening comes before persuading.
- I-messages: name the feeling and need instead of blaming.
- A pause in conflict: in escalation, take an agreed time-out and talk calmly later.
Closeness and distance
Good relationships need both: closeness and room of your own. Whoever knows and kindly voices their needs has to fight or withdraw less often.
How to begin
For your next important conversation, take a single resolve: ask one question before you answer. More in the Exercises on this topic.
Note: the content on gentlecoach is general self-help impulses and is no substitute for therapy or any medical or psychotherapeutic treatment. For lasting distress, anxiety or depressive symptoms, please turn to your doctor or a psychotherapy practice. In crisis, the helpline (Germany) is reachable around the clock: 0800 111 0 111.
What most people think
When I listen, I am waiting for my moment to reply.
The thought behind it
Most people listen in order to respond, not to understand. Yet truly feeling heard has become rare and feels almost like affection. Often you do not need to answer at all, only to be fully there.