Conflict belongs to every living relationship. It turns harmful through the manner: contempt, point-scoring, old stories. Fair conflict can be agreed, best beforehand, in calm times.
The red line: contempt
Criticising a thing is fine. Contempt , eye-rolling, mockery, “typical you” , works like poison, because it devalues the person. Whoever drops it has already taken the biggest step.
Four rules for fair conflict
- Stay on the topic , one conflict at a time.
- I-messages instead of blame.
- Agree on a time-out: a pause when it escalates, calmly on later.
- Allow repair: a small step back (“Sorry, that was too sharp”) may come at any time.
After the conflict, repair is what counts
No couple argues flawlessly. What matters is whether you find your way back to each other afterwards, an honest word, a gesture. Such attempts at repair hold relationships together.
How to begin
Agree on a time-out signal in a calm hour. Whoever uses it commits to resuming the talk later. More in the Exercises.
General self-help impulses, no substitute for couples or psychotherapy. For lasting conflict or distress, a counselling centre or psychotherapy practice helps. Helpline (Germany): 0800 111 0 111.